F (deadroman) wrote,
F
deadroman

Vampire Christ

 "KILL ME, PLEASE!" the vampire said, standing before the hunter, shaking the lapels of his coat frantically. "I can't take it anymore!"

The vampire hunter stared. "What...?" And then, slowly, a knowing smile spread over his lips. "Ahh, don't tell me you have finally grown tired of your unholy existence. That the centuries spent skulking in the darkness, preying on innocent humans like the soulless monster you are have devoured the last ounces of your fortitude? Are you ready to repent for your crimes and -- "

"No, no! It isn't that!" the vampire bit its lip and looked around nervously. "It's them!"

The hunter's eyes caught on a number of moving shadows in the distance. He stepped back and held his gun tight. Whatever the things were, they moved with the speed and force of an avalanche. Worst of all, they screamed and wailed in the most horrific voices the hunter had ever heard.

"No! They're here!" the vampire cowered.

"OMG! I see him!" a teenage girl in a Twilight t-shirt squealed.

"I love him! He's mine!" screamed another.

"Make ME your undying bride forever!"

The hunter gaped at the hideous contorted faces of the mob. "What's going on?"

"It's those vampire books..." the vampire said, "the authors make my kind seem like cracked-out hunks from The Bachelor. It's horrible..."

The screaming fangirl avalanche was almost upon the two doomed men.

"Run, you idiot!" the hunter shouted, almost tripping over the vampire in his haste.

"You have to kill me!" the vampire pleaded, keeping pace alongside the hunter. "The girls want to tear me apart! I've been trying to hide from them for nearly a year! Before, they invaded my house and tore half my clothes off. They were all rambling about wanting to experience the sinful pleasures of immortal passion or some shit."

"What the hell?"

"Exactly," the vampire said. "I can't go anywhere at night for fear of being attacked. I have to drink from diseased fogeys at the retirement center because they are the only ones who won't rape me when I appear... although I can't say some of them don't try."

The hunter looked repulsed.

"And during the day... I'm only safe sleeping in the sewers or in the basement of the sewage plant. It's the one place the loonies haven't thought of searching for me -- they've looked everywhere else."

The hunter continued to listen to the vampire's tale of woe. They ran until they were too tired to go on but still they weren't free from the mob; the terrifying screeches in the distance steadily grew louder.

"And then..." the vampire panted, "the 40-something soccer mom dressed in a crotchless bondage outfit leapt into my lap and demanded that I "feast on the steaming blood of her womanhood." I almost didn't escape, for I was being crushed by her loins which were as thick as a hippo's buttocks. Meanwhile, other women were tearing at my hair and one almost ripped my foot off. I got lucky when the women around me began to fight with each other. In their distraction, I managed to scramble to my feet and jump through the window..."

"I don't really understand..." the hunter said.

"The women are deranged! There is nothing to understand."

"No," the hunter shook his head, "I mean, how come you are panting? I... didn't know vampires got tired."

The vampire groaned loudly. "Of course we get tired. I'm low on blood, I haven't drunk anything tonight -- but it doesn't matter. You are going to kill me now and do it quickly!"

The hunter paused. He didn't quite know what to do or say; he had never in his wildest dreams imagined that the monster he had been battling against all his life would suddenly become the idol of millions of raving teenage girls and overweight housewives. Vampires were creatures that had always disgusted him; he had vowed to dedicate himself to their extermination. But now, he felt a crazy twinge of sympathy for this hunted being. The vampire was consigned to a despicable fate -- that of being the devastatingly beautiful and immaculate sex slave to all the world's repressed lonely women. It was a fate worse than death. It would never end.

The hunter lifted his gun and pointed it at the vampire's heart just as the sea of fangirls bounded over the horizon.

"Better luck in Hell," he said, and then he pulled the trigger.
 

Tags: lol, vampires
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